Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
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Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
“OMGJK” -atheists
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
even bears disappoint their mothers
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.