Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
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“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken