Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
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Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?