Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
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It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60