Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
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11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault