If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
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ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Twitter is an abusement park.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
*gets down on one knee*
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?