me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
You Might Also Like
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!