Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
You Might Also Like
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.