[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
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Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
My typo game is string.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.