Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
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“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Many hands make light work
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat