roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
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I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.