ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
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BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.