How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
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I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
A woman drives into a bar.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives