A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
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my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.