You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
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Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Seems kinda suspicious