“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
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I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.