After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
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[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”