I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
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I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Meat Cute
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Put this video in the Louvre
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.