IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
You Might Also Like
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
This made me chuckle.
“A little help here, Danny?”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.