Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
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[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?