So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
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Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!