*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
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I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
You can’t outrun your problems…
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Looking at you, Jesus.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.