Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
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[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
True.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is