The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
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We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?