I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
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I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
crochet youtube is brutal
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
u guys got any snacks onboard here