I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
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The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out