You Might Also Like
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.