My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
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Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
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I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more