Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
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Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.