No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
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Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Important reminders
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.