If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
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Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*