Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
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Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.