Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
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Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
my friends when i can’t do basic math
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
bias laundering edition
The pen is writier than the sword.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.