Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
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5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️