Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
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My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.