This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
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The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.