I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
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*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Still cracks me up
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.