“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
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Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.