Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
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[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
rise and shine we got egg
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.