I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
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I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.