Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
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[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
The Compass
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.