I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
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Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”