My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
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My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin