me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
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Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
channeling her this year
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
For the orator and chef in all of us
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.