*serious situation*
My brain:
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Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Sponch
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.