Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
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We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.