What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
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I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
I’m good, thanks.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Realize this:
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please