bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
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EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Education is vital
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Me when my alarm goes off
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.