Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
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Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom