[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
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My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
ibopfufen
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.